Words. Words. Got lots of 'em, but none I want to be using. Divorce should never have become a part of my vernacular. It's been 37 days since I moved and it still feels like only yesterday that my entire life changed.
I won't say for the worse. In only 37 days I've experienced a lightness and peace I haven't had for years. I have a sense of control over my fate I didn't think was possible. I have faced some truths without completely destroying myself and that feels powerful.
That's not to say I'm not still scared. Or angry. Or hurting. I am all of those things and more. But I don't have to worry about feeling those feelings because I know I can manage them.
When did the world decide that it was no longer acceptable to have a negative thought or feeling and demand that we replace them with only positive mantras? That's certainly an admirable aspiration, but is it realistic? How much internal struggle and pain do we suffer by constantly fighting to demolish those negative thoughts and feelings? Are the struggles now causing more damage than the actual wounds? And if we fail to eliminate the negativity, isn't it only breeding more?
A very wise person in my life told me that maybe learning to accept the less savory thoughts about myself and the not so wonderful feelings I have is probably a more honest way to live. Admit that they aren't all that great or productive, but let them be. Give in to them, if only for a moment in time. Admit they exist and then move on.
The more her words have sat with me, the more I agree.
It's quite a delicate balance, though. How does one accept the negative aspects of life or their personality without letting it overtake everything? Mindfulness. That's how.
I am mindful that I will probably never be thin or in shape, but I also know that I have a great laugh, pretty eyes, and a solidly true heart. A little flab here or there shouldn't discount the things that really matter and that will last far longer.
I really hope that what I can do going forward is create a routine and pattern of living that fulfills me and leaves me feeling peaceful. I don't know that I will ever get over the complete betrayal I've experienced or the pain of having to open my eyes to my own shortcomings. I don't know if I will ever be wiling to take a chance on love again. At least I know it's okay to think and feel that way. I accept it.
April 1, 2017