Plenty of Moms will tell you that they often think about running away from their lives. Plenty of us secretly wish we could go back in time and make different decisions. I wish I was single again. I wish I could be alone. I wish I was in control with no one to answer to.
Be careful what you wish for.
I find myself in just such a position now. I’m single again. I’m alone. I’m in control with no one to answer to. And it sucks.
It won’t forever. In fact, it sucks less now than it did a month ago, hell, even a week ago. Yet, I’m still in mourning for the marriage I lost. I’m still grieving for the loss of what once was and what I wished my marriage had been. I miss the husband I pretended I had.
Every day gets a little easier. Each new moment brings opportunity for me to make wiser, better decisions for me, my son, and our futures. I am course correcting.
What can I do better in the future? Be more mindful of other people’s feelings. I wasn’t checking in with my husband. I took it for granted that he was happy. Listen more. Hear what isn’t being said out loud. I didn’t take seriously all the things my husband felt were important. Give more. As much as I thought I was giving, my gifts weren’t the right ones.
My future is mine now. I can make it lonely and empty or filled with light and laughter and love.
I choose the latter. It’s all about course correction.
April 4, 2017