I came up with a lot of non-curse F words for this post. Friends, family, forgiveness, fairness (or lack thereof). I couldn't decide on which way to go, so I think I might go with forgiveness. I wrote the following words in 1998 after my first failed marriage.
Human beings are not perfect creatures. We must stop punishing ourselves for every mistake we make, from the smallest (transposing numbers on a phone message) to the largest (saying hurtful words or doing heartless things). Usually, we don’t mean to act improperly, whether in word or deed. It is my belief that most of us want nothing more than to lead happy, productive lives, surrounded by the people we love, like and respect. Often, we simply act or speak without thinking. Realizing what we’ve done, our first inclination is to offer up a quick apology to the target of our temporary ire. But how often do we take a moment to apologize to ourselves? How often do we take the time to say, “Self, I’m sorry. I was rude and inconsiderate to someone else, but I also betrayed you. I’m sorry. I’ll try to do better next time. I’ll try to be more respectful to you, thereby making me more respectful of others.” Never, I don’t think we ever do it. But we should. If we took the time to forgive ourselves, our moments of shame would no longer haunt us or follow us around and our futures would be much brighter.
Truer words have never been written. At least, for me. I have got to start forgiving myself. I made mistakes, but I did nothing to deserve the punches in the gut I got.
Shit happens. Get over it. Move on. Easier said than done, that's for sure.
I'm working on it. And the easier, less stressful moments are much more frequent now. A smile plays on my lips far more often than a frown. Laughter spontaneously erupts from my mouth whenever I think of a good line of dialogue for one of my characters. Best of all, the tears are fewer and farther between.
April 7, 2017