I is for Ignorance
Ignorance is not stupidity, nor does it mean you're an idiot. It's simply a lack of knowledge or being unaware.
I was ignorant for a very long time.
It stemmed from my inability (or perhaps unwillingness) to recognize what was going on around me. My life had taken on a comfortable habit of existence. I felt I knew basically what would happen from one day to the next and that if any deviation from that course occurred, I could handle it because I had a supportive partner who would back me up.
Was I exactly happy in this existence? I thought I was. Or at least I thought it was good enough. I was holding on, coasting along until a time when I thought things would get better. Or go back to the way they had been when I was truly happy. Don't misunderstand me: I was not unhappy. I just figured this was what life was. I had no unrealistic expectations that life was going to be all moonlight and magnolias. From my first divorce and my father's illness and death to my remarriage and the birth of my son, I understood perfectly that life ebbs and flows, giving me both great tragedy and exquisite joy.
The fact that I found myself in a position of "meh" for the last year or so didn't concern me. I knew in my heart that things would get back on track. I believed wholeheartedly that the valley I was traveling would begin to rise again. In the meantime, I kept my head down, my shoulders squared, and moved forward.
Oh, but was I ignorant.
I was unaware that my husband was unhappy and seeking comfort elsewhere. I was oblivious to the fact that things were going seriously wrong. It was not deliberate avoidance, it was just my unequivocal faith in the universe that all things would be well. I blindly trusted in the past repeating itself. I got lazy and was not proactive in making sure that things were okay.
It would be understandable to shame myself and buy into all the negative shit that rolls around in my head as I watch fifteen years of marriage go down the tubes. It would be a breeze to eat my feelings, smoke my emotions, and cry my way through the days. Easiest of all, would be to become bitter and fling blame everywhere but myself.
But that would be ignorant.
Instead, I choose knowledge. Awareness. Understanding. There are lessons here and I'm learning them, whether I want to or not. There are good things happening, whether I think I'm deserving or not. There is joy to be had, whether it's simple or exquisite. No more burying my head in the sand. My eyes are wide open.
April 11, 2017