I absolutely believe in Karma. What comes around goes around. The problem is, when something bad happens to me, I immediately wonder, what awful thing did I do to deserve it? My first instinct is to always blame myself.
Do good and good will come to you, right? I believed I had been doing good for a long time. I was doing the best I could to juggle all the balls in my life; unfortunately, there were some that were dropping and I just couldn't see it. I wish, looking back, I could have been given an opportunity to start over. Pick up the balls and examine them to see if there were any I could actually toss aside or hand off to another person. But I didn't get that chance. The balls that lay on the ground were squished flat right in front of my eyes.
I've slowly come to realize that just because I made mistakes or dropped some balls does not mean I was bad or not doing good with what I had. I may have made some questionable choices but my intent was good. My heart was true. I meant well. The fact that someone else could not see that is not my fault.
Going forward, I remind myself daily that I am a good person and I do the best I can. I try not to revel in the pain of others, but sometimes that's difficult. I feel justified when I think Karma is taking a bite out of the butt of those who have tried to destroy me. Then I remember, it's not my job to keep tabs on someone else's life. It's not my responsibility to justify my choices or intent. My course is to go forward with an open and loving heart, praying to the universe that everything will work out the way it is supposed to, for everyone in my life (or no longer in my life).
Still, I know I'm not perfect. I will have those days when I smirk or titter because I see another chink taken out of someone's self-imposed armor. Perhaps that's why my lower back twinges when I bend down to pick up the laundry. Or dinner doesn't sit well and I squirm with indigestion for the rest of the evening.
That’s when I say to myself, let it go. Worry about your own heart. Karma will sort it out.
April 13, 2017