A sense of lethargy is slowly stealing over me.
The adrenaline-filled momentum I've built up over the last few months is beginning to ebb. I'm worrying more. The hopefulness I was experiencing doesn't seem as strong. I'm more frightened of the future.
My new home is in order. My son is adjusting (so far) to our new arrangement. My work schedule is fairly set. Even ideas for new novels and stories have been steadily filling my mind. Yet, I feel like sitting down and not getting back up again. At all. Ever.
I'm sure it's because my boy is off to visit his grandparents for several days and this is the first opportunity I've had for some solid reflection without him being here to keep me distracted.
This is my life. This is my new life. I have no one to answer to except myself. I only have one person (and two felines) to care for and he's ten now, which is a pretty self-sufficient age. I can make any choice I want about anything I want and there's no one else to consult. Instead of freeing, it feels daunting and overwhelming.
For the last few months, I've been pushing a rock up a steep hill. I had no choice but to keep going or else I'd be crushed flat. I got that rock up to the top and collapsed, exhausted by the effort it took to get that far. What's the next step? Do I push it over and let it roll away, taking all of my fear and anxiety with it? Watch it shatter at the bottom of canyon, leaving the past behind?
Sounds nice, doesn't it?
Instead, the little devil in my mind says that this is just the beginning. That rock will slowly roll toward the edge, finding the slope hidden from my view. It'll start downward and pick up speed along the way, dragging me with it. When it finally finds the bottom, it'll be on top of me and I won't be able to get out from under it.
Thankfully, I have an angel voice in my therapist. She knows I've been firing on four cylinders for too long. "Sleep until you can't sleep anymore. Rest until you can't rest anymore. Take the time you need to recharge."
So that's what I will do. Recharge and renew my will to go on and find that unadulterated happiness I just know is waiting for me.
April 14, 2017