M is for Missing

Whenever my son used to leave for a couple of days to visit with his grandparents, I admit that I was excited. It was usually a time I could catch a break to get a handle on the housework or write or finish laundry. I was never lonesome without him and his father thundering through the house like a herd of turtles. Then again, I knew they were coming back. Time was short and I needed to make the best of it. I don't want to sound mean; I just enjoyed the bit of solitude.

Now, my son leaves for school on Tuesday mornings and I don't see or hear from him again until Thursday evening, shortly before he should go to bed. Even if I go to work at the same time that he leaves for school, it's not nearly enough of a distraction for me to forget that when I get home, he won't be there. I still know he's coming back. But there is definitely a sense of emptiness and I miss him.

As for my husband, I'm still too angry and hurt to allow myself to miss him. What I do miss is what I thought my marriage was. I miss the unshakeable confidence I felt for all those years. I knew my marriage was good. I knew my marriage would last. I guess it was just something I told myself every day and convinced myself it was true.

Believe it or not, this well-declared cat-person misses the dog.

The truth is, there are a lot of things I don't miss. I don't miss the tension of the last year. I don't miss the nagging feeling in my gut that something's off, but I can't put my finger on it. I don't miss the pressure that was building inside that I didn't (or wouldn't) understand.

I don't miss being someone else's cheerleader. I am my own cheerleader now. I no longer suffer with the guilt of knowing I'm not giving someone what they need, even though I tried my best. I don't miss feeling like I was responsible for someone else's happiness.

I feel lighter and happier. I feel like the world has been laid open at my feet. The roads before me are many and all I have to choose is which one to walk along.

Now, when my kidlet gets home, he can walk with me.


April 15, 2017

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