Okay, so I'm not there yet. And probably won't be for quite some time. Eventually, though, I intend to declare myself victorious in this situation and in life overall.
I have a lot of shit to figure out first, though.
I recognize now, more than I did before, that being in a relationship is work. Yes, yes, everyone says that all the time. And I said those words myself quite a bit over the last fifteen years. Unfortunately, my work ethic wasn't as good as it should have been. Checking in daily with a partner is obviously the best course of action. But I felt like that would make me seem needy or controlling. I thought of myself as good and kind and a loving wife and to have to check my marriage's pulse on a daily (even hourly, if necessary) basis felt weird. Perhaps that was just arrogant on my part. I didn't have to do that. I knew what I was doing.
I didn't know the difference between coming across as needy or being present in my marriage. Going forward, if I should ever entertain the notion of a new relationship, it's going to be very hard for me to know how to be engaged without feeling worried that I am controlling or overbearing. Where is that line? How do I walk it without pitching overboard into one sea of doubt or the other? Logically, I imagine my partner will help me navigate those waters by telling me how they're feeling. No, Jen, you aren't being needy. Yes, Jen, you're worried about nothing. ARG, you're driving me crazy, Jen!
Well, I'm getting ahead of myself. Very likely, the most significant relationship I will have in the next couple of decades will be with cats. And they don't talk back.
At least not in English.
April 26, 20177