I'm creating a wish board. Right now, it's filled with all kinds of material things that probably don't matter much in the scheme of things, but it's normal and natural to fantasize about that dream house or vacation or car. I pray my son will go to college and graduate with a degree in some field of study that he loves and inspires him. I really want to write a best-selling novel. I can't decide if I want a dream tiny home or a dream mansion. I can't wait for my next tattoo. I hope some day I can save enough to have a pair of custom knee high boots made that will accommodate my gargantuan calfs, yet still fit my oddly small size 6 1/2 wide feet. And sparkly things. Let's not forget the sparkly, shiny things. I must be part raccoon.
It's not that I didn't ever wish of these sorts of things before I became single again. Sometimes my wishes even came true, when there was extra money or the planets aligned themselves just so. I think when they did come to fruition, it felt that much sweeter because I had someone to share them with. Someone who would hold me and take part in the joy I was feeling.
I never truly believed I needed anyone else to be happy. However, I realize now that I based a whole shit ton of it on being with someone else. If I was happy, it was because of him. If I was angry, it was because of him. If I was frustrated, it was definitely because of him. I haven't stopped to look inside myself in years.
Now, I'm doing nothing else except reevaluating my self worth, reorganizing my beliefs, and building a whole new thought process for the future. While my physical wish board has all of the lovely items picture above, my mental wish board is far more rich and diverse.
I wish for peace and joy. I wish for understanding. I wish for the ability to give more to those who need it. I wish for a loving and supportive relationship with my son and for him to come through this ordeal as whole and settled as possible. I wish for the strength to make any dream I have come true with my own hard work and sacrifice and no one else's. I wish for the courage to trust myself and others without sacrificing my gut instinct. Most of all I wish for love. A deep and abiding love for myself and who I am, who I choose to be. Even for who I was, in spite of all the flaws and idiosyncrasies.
And a few diamonds along the way wouldn't hurt.
April 27, 2017