I am anxious for the future so I can stop obsessing over the past. Neither is a good way to exist at this point. I can't run away from my past and I can't rush the present or else I might miss something vital. I've always had difficulties existing in the now. If I'm not miring myself down in old memories and yearning for what used to be, then I'm thinking too far ahead about what I want to be, when in reality I can't know if anything I wish for will come true.
I want to stop worrying and wondering what's going to happen later, tomorrow, next week, month or year. It's difficult though. If I mentally shake myself out of going too far into the future, then I find myself falling backward into the past. Yearning for what used to be. Or what I thought "used to be" was. Or what I want to make "used to be" instead of what it truly was.
I know I need to take a deep breath and just exist for awhile. Enjoy the fact that I get up earlier than my son and have some time to jot these blog posts or some paragraphs on my current work in progress (i.e., novel). Stare out the window at the traffic going to the marina. Watch the birds fly around. See the sunrise from my bed every morning.
I need to take advantage of every "now" moment to feel the peace as it slips over me. What a waste to let these instances go by unappreciated. Too much of the past is a blur of feelings, rather than legitimate memories. And concentrating on the future only allows my curious mind to morph into fear and worry about the unknown.
Admittedly, it's all a process. As usual, my impatience is preventing me from following the steps I need to take. Yesterday, I had none. Tomorrow, I don't know if I'll suddenly have an abundance. But today? Today, I can remind myself to be patient and experience every second of the day.
April 29, 2017