X is for Xanax

Honestly, I don't know what's so special about Xanax. My doctor gave me a prescription in November because I was freaking out and anxiety ridden, yet it didn't do all that much for me except make me sleepy. Now I just keep the rest of the little white oval-shaped pills for nights when I know I need to go to bed early.

Xanax, valium, Pristiq. All drugs I've tried to ease the anxiety in my life. Valium only makes me sleepy, too, as do most pain medications. I consider myself to be quite lucky in this regard because my addictive personality could be a super bad mix with drugs. I definitely don't see me struggling with addiction to prescriptions because I'm always asleep after the first pill.

Don't misunderstand me, this isn't meant to make light of anyone battling an addiction. I'm just finding my at least moment in what could be a difficult situation.

As for the Pristiq, that's my antidepressant which I have taken since Rowan was born. My dad died when I was only two months pregnant and I spent the next seven months in a deep depression which I blamed on pregnancy. Had it not been for the astuteness of my OBGYN, I could have spiraled with lightening speed in postpartum psychosis. Pristiq saved me from that. Over the years, I stayed on it because whenever I didn't, I'd find myself unable to regulate my emotions. Without it, anger became violent rage. Sadness became an inability to get out of bed. Happiness became a manic high. Tears would fall constantly. It was like being on a mental tilt-a-whirl, spinning and spinning and spinning.

But now I'm thinking the time is coming to give it another try. Life without my daily pill. My main motivation is that I soon will be without the excellent health insurance I've enjoyed for the last fifteen years. Secondary to that is I'm feeling some real confidence that I can manage my own emotions and feelings again. I see so much positivity and strength in myself. It'll definitely be a huge step into the unknown, but I'm honestly feeling ready to to make the leap.

And if it doesn't work? If my emotions get the best of me and I turn back into an unregulated lunatic? Well, no worries. I can accept that, too. I've never been ashamed of being on medication. I've never been ashamed that I suffer from depression. I'm proud of knowing myself well enough to understand that sometimes I need help. I'd rather know and accept these things than suffer in silence or risk abusing myself or others with an inability to regulate and behave like a normal human being.

Beep beep beep! There goes the coffee maker. 'Scuse me while I go get my other daily "medicine" to wash down my pill.


April 28, 2017

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