Just another week and another session with my Goddess therapist. I went in thinking I was in a good place, amused instead of depressed by all the occurrences of the previous week and ended up being rescued from myself, once again.
We were talking about power. How do I keep from giving it away? How do I keep it? What am I doing to give it away? And that's when she said the magic words to me.
Don't be attached to the outcome.
When you expect things to turn out a certain way before they've even happened, you're giving your power away because you can't experience the moment or enjoy the experience. You have to say to yourself I don't need this moment to be anything more than it is. I don't need you to love me any longer than you need to love me. I don't need you to be with me any longer then you need to be with me. We were talking about relationships, but it really can apply to everything.
I was so overwhelmed by this prospect that I started to cry. It didn't make me sad. It didn't make me happy. It simply overtook me. I have invested so much time and energy into imagining an outcome for every situation that I've forgotten to just take a breath. To enjoy the sip of coffee. To revel in the sound of my fingers on the keyboard knowing that there are words appearing on the page. So many, many things I’ve been ignoring. I overthink and overanalyze and everything to the exclusion of living a happy, fulfilling life.
In the last year or so, maybe even longer (does it matter now how long?), I didn’t live inside my marriage, making it work, loving the life. I existed outside of it, managing it until I could get to the finish line. The idea that I would be a little gray-haired old lady sitting on the porch somewhere covered with grandchildren, my husband in the rocker next to me. It was a nice vision, but it wasn't realistic. I was more invested in the outcome than the present reality.
I am still somewhat numb by this revelation. It opened up doors in my mind that had been closed for a very long time. Not only must I begin the arduous task of learning to live presently, but now I will be grappling with my entire past as well.
June 2, 2017